“It’s not the worst thing ever,” says the custodian as he scrapes all the dried cum from in and around the glory hole. I didn’t wish for him to elaborate, but by instinct, I said “Wouldn’t it be easier just to do it when it’s fresh?” He scowled and I received no answer. Foolishly, I asked; “Well, what’s worse?” He looked me dead in the eyes, and with the deepest Southern drawl, he said; “Six Feet Under is releasing a new album.”

“Thanks for taking one for the team,” say my fellow writers.  Haven’t I endured enough? After all, I reviewed the last one.  Begrudgingly, let’s jump into it with the first track, “Know-Nothing Ingrate.” You can’t fool me by burying those vocals in the mix to make them sound lower. In my headphones, I hear everything. I also gather this track is about people on the internet, and I am certainly one of those.

“You owe me money for this” is typically what is said to me after I get laid, but it’s also the refrain of “Accomplice to Evil Deeds.” The way it’s said to me is ultimately more pleasurable than listening to this track, and infinitely less draining on my psyche.

Let’s get through this together, guys. I won’t bow out early like the last time.

In “Compulsive,” Chris is straining, and it’s painful to hear because it sounds like he’s having trouble breathing. It’s also painful because the vocals sound like someone just under the surface gurgling bath water. In this case, probably runny diarrhea. It’s not important how I know. It’s quite annoying with how many times the title is repeated. As with every other track on the album, instead of enhancing the experience, the vocals distract.

Later, “Neanderthal” is another one of those tracks where the title is repeated so several times, but it doesn’t even sound like the title. It sounds like “the animal.” The dude can’t even enunciate the song title. This is a slower SFU, which has the potential to be cool, considering my affinity for the low and slow. With a better, more dynamic vocalist, instead of one who sounds like the morning aftermath of a late-night Taco Bell run, it could be. However, it is the same repetitive riff and snore-inducing.

One track later, “Judgment Day” just makes things worse. It has the overall feeling of Barnes trying to catch up with the music and struggling mightily. It’s just too fast for the pained, groaning vocal approach.

Let’s just wrap this up in a bow of intestines. “Spoils of War” has a punk rock, urgent pace, and again Barnes seems out of place and not powerful or quick enough to be on the same level as the rest of the musicians. If there’s one saving grace, this is the last track. Or is it? Oh, no. Oh, fuck.

The last track is a Nazareth “Hair of the Dog” cover, which should honestly get the entire band arrested and all musical equipment confiscated. Jesus Christ, are they fucking serious? Chris Barnes and a classic do not mix. If you want to hear good songs ruined, you could check out any of the Graveyard Classics series.

I believe I mentioned it in the review of the last album, but he’s trolling us all at this point. There’s no way the man is so delusional as to place himself in a list of the top death metal vocalists. I am floored that people still buy Six Feet Under albums, and unfortunately, that means we’ll probably get more. Their YouTube videos typically have comments turned off, which I’m sure is to protect a certain ego in their ranks. I’m also quite certain Barnes blocks any negativity, which, you know, kudos on that. There is a lot of negativity in this world, and I am now shamelessly contributing. They still get an unreasonable amount of social media comments and attention. I looked into it recently, and the people commenting seem to be real. So, there’s an audience. All I can say to finish this is that if you need convincing abortion should be legal, here you have it.

[Visit the band's website]

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