So, this week I attended a Protest the Hero show in Columbia, MO. Now granted, I knew going in, that because the opening act was Chiodos that there would be a fair amount of emo fans attending the show. What I was not ready for was the sheer number of androgynous, asexual, identically-clad hermaphrodites that surrounded me.

Several things struck me as I stood (out) in line; First, I am really old (and TALL). Second, I would be the only person in the bar purchasing alcohol. Third, I would have no problem buying an XL shirt at the merch booth and fourth, my new favourite game at metal shows is called “Guy or Girl”?

Seriously, if I had taken a stash of hairspray, eyeliner, and candy with me, I could have set up shop outside the venue and made a killing off these kids. And when I say ‘kids‘, I use the term loosely because apparently today’s youth, of both sexes, from the possible ages of 13 -20 all have the same body type, facial features and hair. If these ‘guys’ are the future, then we are royally fucked, as it looks like Chris Crocker might become president.

Trust me, I understand ‘phases’ and ‘stages’ and the rebellion of youth, but isn’t the point of rebelling against your parents and authority to be unique and different? To buck the system? Not join an army of sullen, pierced, combed-over clad poseurs who care more about their hair and t-shirt than the band on stage?

I am not kidding when I say virtually every guy in line at the venue looked like either an anaemic, 13 year old girl or a blobby, pasty, baby faced caricature of Jonah Hill in an infants-sized t-shirt. Did they infuse fast food with Estrogen? Do schools not have P.E. anymore? Is there no pride among this generation of parents that would let their child devolve into a sexually questionable edification of cross genderism? Maybe I’m old fashioned, maybe I think guys should look and dress like guys and girls should look and dress like girls. I’m not saying all guys at metal shows should look like Johan Hegg, but I should at least not feel like a homosexual pedophile, when I check out a pair of tight jeans from behind, and when I see the front, it’s actually my neighbor’s 14-year-old son.

The good thing is that as a Law Enforcement officer, I’d rather deal with these guys than some, high school dropout farm-boy who could out-wrestle me, because I would just have to yell “BOO!” really loud and they would break down and cry. Of course, they would only be shoplifting eyeliner, so I’d probably let them go…

Maybe Mexico has the right idea…