Every day it seems, the world further blurs the line between what’s considered crackpot conspiracy, and accepted reality. The notion that some secret, Satanic society of ultra-powerful lizard oligarchs are the true masters and gatekeepers of the Earth’s wealth and resources seems, to many, like an absolute truth. I don’t personally subscribe to this particular brand of lunacy, but I admit that not much is known about these supposed Dark Overlords – are they a cadre of malevolent despots? A deep state, clandestine group of elites silently pulling society’s strings to fit their wicked whims?  Are they a small gathering of dorks running an evil D&D campaign in their parents’ basement over a meal of Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew? WHO ARE WE TO KNOW THEIR DARK DESIRES?!

Here’s what we know:

• That claim to be from the “darkest reaches of the cosmos,” and yet many sources say they’re from Denmark.
• They’re made of three mysterious entities, known only as “Dark Overlord #1,” “Dark Overlord #2,” and “Dark Overlord #3.”
• END OF LIST.

Last I checked, Denmark was a rather pleasant Scandinavian nation that, more often than not, is ranked as the world’s happiest and healthiest country. This is decidedly NOT a dark recess of the universe. But it begs the question: What’s REALLY the source of this nation’s health and happiness? What secrets are held below the veneer of joyous, vibrant longevity? What is the cost of such an embarrassment of riches and good fortune, and what nefarious deeds are these Dark Overlords involved in to protect the Danish sanctum of superior quality of life?! I NEED ANSWERS.

Only a truly heinous, depraved gathering could concoct the kind of venom being produced by The Dark Overlords, with roots firmly planted in the realm of Scandinavian Black Metal stalwarts like Immortal and Emperor, but delivered with the kind of overwhelming, all-consuming energy of Anaal Nathrakh, Gaerea or Belphegor. Tracks like “Ritus Daemonius” and “Soul Taker” barrel straight through your fragile sensibilities like a cinderblock to the face. If you happened to be, say, an underground shadow government looking to punish dissonants and force them to spill the beans about anyone else they’re involved with – I’d go ahead and blast these tracks into their holding cell at full, deafening volume before connecting their nipples to the car battery and ripping out their fingernails with a pair of vice grips. The absolute bludgeoning they’ll put on your victim’s brain will put them in an emotionally vulnerable state, maximizing chances for successful and fruitful “interrogation” (*wink*).

And of course, like any self-respecting evil entity, you don’t just simply eliminate and dispose of your captives, right? When you’ve exhausted them of all valuable information, “Sacrificial Chamber” and “The Ladder of Your Demise” are the go-to soundtracks for the whole ‘soul-sacrificing’ bit. Both tracks inject a fair amount of melody into the mix that really help counterbalance the rhythmic chanting needed to invoke whatever ancient gods you’re looking to appease, the latter even providing a really pleasant acoustic stretch to see out the EP that will help calm and relax your victim before plunging the ceremonial dagger into their beating hearts. Makes for a much more powerful rite, ya know? Can’t be sending a panicked, terror-stricken offering to the Old Ones.

Look, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe The Dark Overlords, despite their chosen name, are actually a benevolent, harmless gathering of gentlemen just looking to help out their communities, like the Danish Shriners or something. Maybe. But my gut tells me otherwise. I think, maybe, we’ve uncovered something big – something that goes beyond even what our wildest imaginations can comprehend. When the curtain is lifted, and the truth revealed, it could rip through the fabric of our reality like a sacrificial dagger through tender, willing flesh. All I know is, the more people who open their minds to the existence of these forces, the better. Just know that if something were to happen to me, you now know where to look to start finding some answers.

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