While the blog title might lead you to believe that this post is about the young pretty-face “metal bands” that sell their souls to be in goddamned L’Oreal commercials (Oh, you’re so totally worth it, like!) While such bands do fester within our so-called metal scene, this blog post isn’t about them. Even though it probably should be as there’s nothing like ranting about the same old things again and again and again and again, but then again I’m expecting parents to beat some sense into their children.And with that politically incorrect remark, which I’ll use as a bridge, we’ll head to a completely different direction: straight into the world of toys.

Taking care of my two years (or something) old niece got me thinking about the toys that I grew up with, and had you asked about my favorite ones straight out from the blue, I’d probably say something expected like “YO JOE!” or “Autobots, TRANSFORM!”. While G.I Joe (or Action Force as it was known at some parts of the world) and Transformers (and The Transformers movie from the 80s featured some great 80s metal) are the shit, there’s one toyline that pisses all over everything else. Especially when you think about what’s the most heavy metal toyline in the world.

That my dear friends, is PLAYMOBIL.

I’m not trying to say that Playmobils are better than some other toys (but now that you asked, yes they are better) but they offer realism often forgotten with other toys. With one of the sets, you get a group of workmen, some tools that are used to pave roads and best of all, few stacks of beer to keep ’em cool under the hot blazing sun! Teach ’em kids early why daddy’s never home; he’s too busy earning his weekend buzz.

But everyone can drink beer at any age, so it’s time to take a look how you can let your kids have fun without growing into a bunch of pussies as there is no other toyline – aimed for really young children – that is as metal as Playmobil.

This is proven true simply by asking what other toyline supports the recreation of The Crusades while blasting Bolt Thrower? Or the torment of Christians by the Roman gladiators and enhancing the experience with some Deicide? Put on some Hollenthon and go scalp the white man with the Wild West -line (don’t forget your peace pipe!) Hell, you can go all Power Metal and fight the dragons and dark knights for all eternity. Or perhaps crank out some Alestorm for your kids and throw them a pirate ship to show what high seas are really like. You could teach your kids about ancient Egypt by forcing them to read Waltari, but instead you ought to blast Nile and let ’em know what the slaves built. Iced Earth works good with the Civil War games. But what settles the score are the Vikings. Yes, you can teach your children all about black/viking/folk metal and, in turn, show them how the Nordic bastards set sail, fought and pillaged. I’m sure Enslaved would approve. And I know Amon Amarth already approves.

And on that note, more adventures await…